“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
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“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
dream blunt rotation
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of