met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 馃槒馃槒
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vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i鈥檇 still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
if you鈥檙e on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled 鈥淚鈥檓 going to bake your feet into pies and then you won鈥檛 be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
[guy who鈥檚 about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won鈥檛 do
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
What a year we’ve had this week.
you don鈥檛 need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel鈥檚 at the bar?
Me: You鈥檇 finally go to bed on time.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
New comic up. “Ransom”
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Husband: I can鈥檛 find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don鈥檛 want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I鈥檓 probably sitting on the remote.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you