*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
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I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.