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If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Tastes like chicken.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
pelicons
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.