Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
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Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING