*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
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Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
man i love columbo
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day