MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Mornin
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.