Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
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[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I’d rather fork than spoon.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?