Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
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When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Lol.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My therapist after every session
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
gm
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?