I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
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My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.