My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
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Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
whatcha thinkin bout
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.