[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
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If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Herpes is trending, good job people
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health