dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
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“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing