English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
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A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police