I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
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me refusing to leave twitter
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.