Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
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I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing