Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
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There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.