Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
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I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel