me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
You Might Also Like
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Left at a local drug store…
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol