*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
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Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow