How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
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Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
What if all the cashiers are married?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop