Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
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Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.