[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.