“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
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Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it