Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
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I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*