Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
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the prophecy has been fulfilled
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it