Noah was an idiot.
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I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Them: Just act casual
Me:
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages