I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
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Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow