whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
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WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
But I really needed water water water
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning