I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
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Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”