Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
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I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad