I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
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I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Seems a bit forward
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
File under excellent bookstore names.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Breaking news:
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Fights fire with marshmallows
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
when there are deer in the woods
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?