[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
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i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.