All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
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I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes