Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
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HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
thinking about a very short hotdog
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.