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Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.