Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
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HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.