Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
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[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering