Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
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Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
dictator is short for richard potato
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times