[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
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Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.