Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
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On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
<—- homeless romantic
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️