Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
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“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.