This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
You Might Also Like
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.