The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
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[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Oh we’ve met.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please