But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
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Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
6: are snakes just neck?
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.