A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
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I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Goodnight 🐶
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.