When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
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I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
🤣
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it