[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
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Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Optional boss fight.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.