Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Breaking news:
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Seas the day!!!!
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”