Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
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They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?